A La Deriva
Please write comments on my essay here
Comentarios
Hi Jackie
I liked your essay you did a very good job and I only have a few corrections:
- in the first paragraph it should be caminó not cominaba
-also in the first paragraph when you say "la serpiente mató el hombre" consider saying something like el veneno mató el hombre or el picado mató el hombre
-in the first paragraph when you say "entonces se murio" you should say something like luego or después instead of entonces
-in the last sentence of the first paragraph you have a change in verb tenses when you say "no pudo"
- in the second and third paragraphs you say "es similar" you should say es semejante a instead
great job!
- I agree with Nicole about caminaba being changed to caminó. I understand that it was done because you wanted to say that he was a man that was walking, but since it is a physical action that does have a definitive end and isn't habitual or a description, the preterit would be used.
- In regards to the first four sentences of the first paragraph, I would suggest revising them for a better flow, since currently it roughly translates to "The snake killed the man. This man lived for a little more time, then he died. But after he died, he felt better." If you rearrange the order and clarify this section, you will get your point across better. For example, saying that the snake bit him then talking about how he had to struggle through that, and then saying how he felt better in death.
- Instead of switching back to the present tense in "Pero, no puede recordar..", in order to stay consistent, you can stay in the past tense, using pudo instead.
- "similar" isn't a word in Spanish, so instead semejante should be used
- "hay sucesos que no esperamos" here I'm not sure if you are trying to say that there are events that we don't hope for, however if that is the case, you could say no esperamos para algunos sucesos, or something to that effect just so that the reader will know that the verb is modifying the events.
- In the second sentence of the thrid paragraph, "leimos" should have an accent on the i.
- I don't think that the la is necessary in the phrase "..muestra que la es más grande.."
- In the last sentence the repetition and emphasis on death seems to be unnecessary, so I would suggest revising it to be more conclusive and brief.
Hey Jackie,
-like Nicole said, "caminaba" should be caminó
-when you said "estes amigos" i think it would be more appropriate to say "sus amigos" since your talking about his friends.
-also like Nicole and Cara said, "es similar" should be "es semejante"
-when you said "el misma tema", it should be "el mismo tema since tema is masculine.
-one last thing, "mas" should have an accent on the a.
Overall, I thought you did a really good job, and I liked how you compared this story to one in English because it makes your theme and the idea that you're trying to get across more clear.